Again

After my last post I have to say I'm feeling much better. D already knows that sometimes I feel overwhelmed but I do have to say that I bring it on myself. Lots of things I feel are 'necessary and need to happen or get done or the world will collapse' and I really need to let some things go and not try to take on everything. I think it'll always feel like a juggling act but hopefully it'll get easier as the days go on and the days I feel overwhelmed are few and far between.

My mom has started drinking again. I guess on Thursday she decided to pick up the bottle and now here we go again. I know that my dad is feeling overwhelmed and he just doesn't know what to do with the situation. On one hand it would be frustrating, trying to start planning for retirement and thinking of the future when the person you've chosen to spend your life with wants to just throw it all away and therefore making the possibility to leave 'easier' and not have to deal with the bullshit. On the other, it's very very hard to stand by and watch the person you love, your family, the person you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with, struggle and be in so much pain and not be able to help them when all you want in the whole world is for them to have to go through this anymore. He's got some decisions to make and I guess so do I. I'm struggling internally on what to do, what is the right thing to do and what will ultimately help reach the ultimate goal of her becoming sober.

I understand that there is nothing I can do to help her, she needs to decide for herself when to get and stay sober but I'm just afraid that by that time she will have lost out to her depression.

She is a good person, a caring person. She is a nurse, a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend. She is many things to many people but sadly, she rarely feels anything to herself. I wish she could understand what we see, what we think of her-even if it's for a brief moment. She is the kind of mom who would take time off work to help me take care of Hudson as a newborn and then again when D and I had H1N1. She is the kind of mom who always put me first, even if it was at her expense. She is the kind of mom who I could call on the phone at any given moment and diagnose my hypochondriac list of symptoms. She is the kind of mom who, no matter what, always wanted to ensure I was happy and to protect me from the dangers of the world. And now I am sad because I feel like that person no longer exists and Hudson will never truly get to know her heart.

I just know she is in so much pain and I hope she can find peace soon.