D's headed off to the lake this weekend for J's bachelor party (they decided there wasn't enough time or resources for them to go-I'm glad they came to their senses) so it's just me and the peanut. I think we're going to go to my grandmas house for a night, their town is celebrating their 100th birthday this weekend. There will be lots of family and good times.
I've decided that to keep my stress levels down and my sanity intact, I need to stop contact with my mother until she goes and successfully completes treatment at a facility. After that, I'll reassess what I think is best for my family and D and I will make the decision on what to do. I'm just tired of the constant drama (she's been drinking every weekend and my dad leaves the house because he doesn't want to be around her and this weekend her dog went missing, long story short, I found him posting a profile of him on a website and to be honest I don't even think she cared or my dad for that matter.) That's another story for another day though. It's just DRAMA. And as easy as it is to get wrapped up in it, I don't even care anymore. I've got a great thing going on here where I am with my family and they can be dramatic without me. I don't need it.
On a much happier note, I have a baby that is having an afternoon nap for the first time in 4 days and I'm feeling pure bliss right now. He's been taking his morning nap but has been skipping his afternoon nap and going to bed 1/2 hour early lately. During the morning nap, I clean the house, or make his baby food, work, etc and then I like to take the time he naps in the afternoon to do what I want to do. Like nap if I'm tired, watch TV, blog etc. and I've been missing not being able to do those things so right now I'm going to take full advantage :)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Crawl baby crawl
On Tuesday night, Hudson crawled for the first time. He didn't just use his arms to army crawl forward, he actually used his legs and knees and propelled himself forward to reach a remote control. He did it over and over and over again and I missed it.
I was working and gone for around 2 hours and when I got home D excitedly told me the news. I was so happy but so very sad at the same time. My little boy was growing up and all I kept thinking was that I missed it.
I would like to make myself clear and also say that I know that as impossible as it may be, I was kind of hoping that D and I would both be present for all of his firsts. I know it sounds ridiculous but we were both there when he first ate solids, when he sat up, and we both discovered his first teeth together. I realize with D only being at home and awake for 4 hours out of any given weekday, he's going to be missing a lot of the other firsts and I am glad that he was able to see and marvel in the wonder that is our ever growing boy.
Hudson now practices his crawling everyday and although he's still not crawling a lot or very far, he feels very accomplished when he is able to reach whatever his destination is. Even if it's 3 inches forward to grab hold of Maddie. He now has red knees from rug burns and the hard floors but I've been putting BabyLegs on him and they really seem to be helping. D hated them and said that no son of his will wear leggings but now they have purpose and D's just going to have to suck it up :P
I was working and gone for around 2 hours and when I got home D excitedly told me the news. I was so happy but so very sad at the same time. My little boy was growing up and all I kept thinking was that I missed it.
I would like to make myself clear and also say that I know that as impossible as it may be, I was kind of hoping that D and I would both be present for all of his firsts. I know it sounds ridiculous but we were both there when he first ate solids, when he sat up, and we both discovered his first teeth together. I realize with D only being at home and awake for 4 hours out of any given weekday, he's going to be missing a lot of the other firsts and I am glad that he was able to see and marvel in the wonder that is our ever growing boy.
Hudson now practices his crawling everyday and although he's still not crawling a lot or very far, he feels very accomplished when he is able to reach whatever his destination is. Even if it's 3 inches forward to grab hold of Maddie. He now has red knees from rug burns and the hard floors but I've been putting BabyLegs on him and they really seem to be helping. D hated them and said that no son of his will wear leggings but now they have purpose and D's just going to have to suck it up :P
Terrible 8's?
Is that such a thing? The terrible 8 months?
I wouldn't necessarily describe Hudson as terrible but I do think he's going through some kind of growing pains or something. He's become more independent, wanting to do things on his own and not wanting you to help him. He's gotten a bit of an attitude lately as well, not wanting to wait for anything or anyone and want what he wants right now. I'm sad to say that he reminds me of myself in this regard :)
He's also decided that he doesn't want to eat his cereal in the morning, as well as not eating any of his vegetables for lunch or supper. It's such a fight to get it down and most days I just give up and he ends up with only a liquid lunch of formula. Of course he'll eat his fruit though because it's sweeter (I'm assuming) but god forbid he eat his cereal that has fruit already mixed in. Go figure. I even try to sneak in the veggies and mix them with the fruit, or put a little banana on the end of the spoon so he'll think it's all banana, or alternate veggie fruit veggie fruit spoons but it's been getting harder and harder. And today it took us 45 mins for lunch. Already my 8 month son has the attitude of a teenager. Oh my.
D and I try to keep a solid amount of quality toys for him to play with although we don't want our house ending up looking like Toys R Us threw up in it. I think it's inevitable and some people are just better at hiding it than others but we do our best and try anyways. We have a 1 outfit/1 toy maximum in our house for gift giving-any more and it goes back home with you for him to play with there. I'm getting off topic here. Anyways, we have all these great and wonderful toys. Does he like playing with any of them, not really. He'd much rather play with my old cell phone, the remotes, and anything else he's not supposed to. It's like a game, the more off limits an item is-the more he wants it. He'll squirm and reach for whatever it is when you're not looking and if you take it away or he can't end up reaching it, he makes this whining noise like a wounded puppy. Our hands are going to be quite full when he starts walking.
I love my little guy but I'm hoping this little phase will pass before I know it.
I wouldn't necessarily describe Hudson as terrible but I do think he's going through some kind of growing pains or something. He's become more independent, wanting to do things on his own and not wanting you to help him. He's gotten a bit of an attitude lately as well, not wanting to wait for anything or anyone and want what he wants right now. I'm sad to say that he reminds me of myself in this regard :)
He's also decided that he doesn't want to eat his cereal in the morning, as well as not eating any of his vegetables for lunch or supper. It's such a fight to get it down and most days I just give up and he ends up with only a liquid lunch of formula. Of course he'll eat his fruit though because it's sweeter (I'm assuming) but god forbid he eat his cereal that has fruit already mixed in. Go figure. I even try to sneak in the veggies and mix them with the fruit, or put a little banana on the end of the spoon so he'll think it's all banana, or alternate veggie fruit veggie fruit spoons but it's been getting harder and harder. And today it took us 45 mins for lunch. Already my 8 month son has the attitude of a teenager. Oh my.
D and I try to keep a solid amount of quality toys for him to play with although we don't want our house ending up looking like Toys R Us threw up in it. I think it's inevitable and some people are just better at hiding it than others but we do our best and try anyways. We have a 1 outfit/1 toy maximum in our house for gift giving-any more and it goes back home with you for him to play with there. I'm getting off topic here. Anyways, we have all these great and wonderful toys. Does he like playing with any of them, not really. He'd much rather play with my old cell phone, the remotes, and anything else he's not supposed to. It's like a game, the more off limits an item is-the more he wants it. He'll squirm and reach for whatever it is when you're not looking and if you take it away or he can't end up reaching it, he makes this whining noise like a wounded puppy. Our hands are going to be quite full when he starts walking.
I love my little guy but I'm hoping this little phase will pass before I know it.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Father's Day
Yesterday was a fabulous day! We had awesome weather for a change and tried to spend as much time outside as we could. D was supposed to have his regatta yesterday however they just let the dam out and the river was super high and moving too quickly for anyone to be able to row. They're going to try again sometime next week when things settle down. So we stayed for the BBQ and I got to meet a bunch of people that he works with.
We picked up a few groceries for a supper bbq and by the time we got home D and Hudson we both ready for naps. We made a delicious supper and ate outside on our deck for the first time this year. We wished our dad's a happy father's day and snuggled down to a movie after putting Hudson down to bed. I had a great day and I'm hoping D feels the same way. I really tried for him to just have a day doing what he wants and not have to do anything around the house at all.
It's important for me to make sure just how important and valued he is around here. Most often the mom's get credit (and sympathy) for things around here but D really is a vital role in this family. I can't thank him enough for all that he does.
My uncle passed away last Wednesday suddenly. He was grinding in a shop and it slipped and cut his leg. He hit his head when he fell and bled to death. What a horrible loss. I feel so bad for my 2 cousins, who are about the same age as I am. I couldn't even imagine how terrible yesterday was for them let alone this past week and it really makes you think about just how lucky we are sometimes. Today is the funeral and it will be a very sad sad day.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Weekend recap
Lately our weekends have been stuffed and filled with events and things that need to get done around the house. I don't think it'll be until sometime in August (if that) before we have just a weekend to do nothing.
This weekend we stained our deck (which now looks awesome btw), I had a girls night out (which was also awesome!), we attended the Bridge City Boogie with D's family, and D helped his mom out at their farm with his brothers as they are trying to get the house ready for the rehearsal dinner and gift opening that will be held there.
The Boogie is just a fun 5 or 10K run/walk for local programs and a good way to just get everyone out of the house and doing some exercise. Last year I was 5 months pregnant and I walked the 5K (and ran the last 1K) and this year I did the same and pushed Hudson in the stroller with D. I ended up shaving 7 minutes off my time! Next year I think I'm going to run a K, then walk, then run for a K etc. I don't know if I'm quite ready to run all 5K at once since I don't like running and probably will never do it on my own, lol, but it's something to work towards I guess.
This next weekend we have a BBQ/30th birthday of 2 of our closest friends (they, like us, share the same birthday-weird!), D has a regatta for work, and of course FATHER'S DAY!! At least it's nothing boring or tedious planned.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Again
After my last post I have to say I'm feeling much better. D already knows that sometimes I feel overwhelmed but I do have to say that I bring it on myself. Lots of things I feel are 'necessary and need to happen or get done or the world will collapse' and I really need to let some things go and not try to take on everything. I think it'll always feel like a juggling act but hopefully it'll get easier as the days go on and the days I feel overwhelmed are few and far between.
My mom has started drinking again. I guess on Thursday she decided to pick up the bottle and now here we go again. I know that my dad is feeling overwhelmed and he just doesn't know what to do with the situation. On one hand it would be frustrating, trying to start planning for retirement and thinking of the future when the person you've chosen to spend your life with wants to just throw it all away and therefore making the possibility to leave 'easier' and not have to deal with the bullshit. On the other, it's very very hard to stand by and watch the person you love, your family, the person you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with, struggle and be in so much pain and not be able to help them when all you want in the whole world is for them to have to go through this anymore. He's got some decisions to make and I guess so do I. I'm struggling internally on what to do, what is the right thing to do and what will ultimately help reach the ultimate goal of her becoming sober.
I understand that there is nothing I can do to help her, she needs to decide for herself when to get and stay sober but I'm just afraid that by that time she will have lost out to her depression.
She is a good person, a caring person. She is a nurse, a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend. She is many things to many people but sadly, she rarely feels anything to herself. I wish she could understand what we see, what we think of her-even if it's for a brief moment. She is the kind of mom who would take time off work to help me take care of Hudson as a newborn and then again when D and I had H1N1. She is the kind of mom who always put me first, even if it was at her expense. She is the kind of mom who I could call on the phone at any given moment and diagnose my hypochondriac list of symptoms. She is the kind of mom who, no matter what, always wanted to ensure I was happy and to protect me from the dangers of the world. And now I am sad because I feel like that person no longer exists and Hudson will never truly get to know her heart.
I just know she is in so much pain and I hope she can find peace soon.
My mom has started drinking again. I guess on Thursday she decided to pick up the bottle and now here we go again. I know that my dad is feeling overwhelmed and he just doesn't know what to do with the situation. On one hand it would be frustrating, trying to start planning for retirement and thinking of the future when the person you've chosen to spend your life with wants to just throw it all away and therefore making the possibility to leave 'easier' and not have to deal with the bullshit. On the other, it's very very hard to stand by and watch the person you love, your family, the person you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with, struggle and be in so much pain and not be able to help them when all you want in the whole world is for them to have to go through this anymore. He's got some decisions to make and I guess so do I. I'm struggling internally on what to do, what is the right thing to do and what will ultimately help reach the ultimate goal of her becoming sober.
I understand that there is nothing I can do to help her, she needs to decide for herself when to get and stay sober but I'm just afraid that by that time she will have lost out to her depression.
She is a good person, a caring person. She is a nurse, a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend. She is many things to many people but sadly, she rarely feels anything to herself. I wish she could understand what we see, what we think of her-even if it's for a brief moment. She is the kind of mom who would take time off work to help me take care of Hudson as a newborn and then again when D and I had H1N1. She is the kind of mom who always put me first, even if it was at her expense. She is the kind of mom who I could call on the phone at any given moment and diagnose my hypochondriac list of symptoms. She is the kind of mom who, no matter what, always wanted to ensure I was happy and to protect me from the dangers of the world. And now I am sad because I feel like that person no longer exists and Hudson will never truly get to know her heart.
I just know she is in so much pain and I hope she can find peace soon.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Me
This is a hard post for me to write.
I feel like I give and I give and I give, all day long. To D, to my sweet little boy, to Maddie, to my job, to this house and somedays I feel like there is nothing left for me. By the time 8pm rolls around- Hudson is in bed, we're all fed, the house is clean, and the minutes until my cycle starts again gets fewer and fewer.
Please don't take this the wrong way. I love being a mom, I love being a wife, I love my job. I wouldn't change one single thing about any of it. I wanted this life, I chose this life. The part that's hard is that I also love myself and I try so hard not to be selfish about things. Instead of taking a bath when Hudson is still awake, I wait until he's asleep. Instead of taking a nap in the afternoon when I really could use one, I get supper ready for us so it's ready when D gets home because I know he didn't take or have time for lunch. Instead of writing in this blog, doing anything other than work on the computer, reading a book, etc, I tell myself to wait until tomorrow in the daytime until Hudson is naping and I'll do it then. I very rarely do.
It's my fault for not taking more me time out but I truly feel guilty when I do. I feel like I should be emptying the dishwasher, doing the laundry, washing his diapers, giving him a bath, making babyfood, cooking supper, etc. at any given moment because that's what a good mom does. She's able to balance everything all at once and do it with a smile. Instead I feel like things are slowly toppling on me and I can't keep up.
I don't know how to make it better.
I feel like I give and I give and I give, all day long. To D, to my sweet little boy, to Maddie, to my job, to this house and somedays I feel like there is nothing left for me. By the time 8pm rolls around- Hudson is in bed, we're all fed, the house is clean, and the minutes until my cycle starts again gets fewer and fewer.
Please don't take this the wrong way. I love being a mom, I love being a wife, I love my job. I wouldn't change one single thing about any of it. I wanted this life, I chose this life. The part that's hard is that I also love myself and I try so hard not to be selfish about things. Instead of taking a bath when Hudson is still awake, I wait until he's asleep. Instead of taking a nap in the afternoon when I really could use one, I get supper ready for us so it's ready when D gets home because I know he didn't take or have time for lunch. Instead of writing in this blog, doing anything other than work on the computer, reading a book, etc, I tell myself to wait until tomorrow in the daytime until Hudson is naping and I'll do it then. I very rarely do.
It's my fault for not taking more me time out but I truly feel guilty when I do. I feel like I should be emptying the dishwasher, doing the laundry, washing his diapers, giving him a bath, making babyfood, cooking supper, etc. at any given moment because that's what a good mom does. She's able to balance everything all at once and do it with a smile. Instead I feel like things are slowly toppling on me and I can't keep up.
I don't know how to make it better.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Busy, busy, busy
It's been a bit busy around here and I think that will continue for the next little bit. D has a work thing 2 nights a week, the other nights I'm usually showing houses. The weekends seem to be jammed pack with getting the yard fixed up so it'll look good when we go to sell next year and all the other misc projects that need to be done but we couldn't do in winter, getting the land ready to build, and open houses.
We met with the draftsperson yesterday and she's going to work on a plan for us. I think we thoroughly confused her yesterday with ALL the information we had for her but I want to make our time with her as efficient as possible. She had a baby 6 weeks ago and works out of her home so it's going to take a bit of time but we're in no rush.
Our application for the subdivision is finally sent off to the planning department and that is supposed to take 3-4 months. It's hurry up and then wait and then hurry up. I can't wait for this part to be finished.
Between all that and adding in Hudson's swimming lessons, wedding stuff, and random other things, I feel like I need a mini vacation!
We met with the draftsperson yesterday and she's going to work on a plan for us. I think we thoroughly confused her yesterday with ALL the information we had for her but I want to make our time with her as efficient as possible. She had a baby 6 weeks ago and works out of her home so it's going to take a bit of time but we're in no rush.
Our application for the subdivision is finally sent off to the planning department and that is supposed to take 3-4 months. It's hurry up and then wait and then hurry up. I can't wait for this part to be finished.
Between all that and adding in Hudson's swimming lessons, wedding stuff, and random other things, I feel like I need a mini vacation!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Erk
Hudson's new thing: grinding and clenching his teeth so tight it sounds like he's crushing bones in his mouth.
Momma's new thing: wincing every time I feed him now in anticipation of the nailsonachalkboard-like sound. ::::shudder::::
Momma's new thing: wincing every time I feed him now in anticipation of the nailsonachalkboard-like sound. ::::shudder::::
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