I am scared.
Well before I start to explain why, I should start at the beginning with a bit of back story.
My childhood was an awesome one, my parents very normal (seemingly) and our lives filled with lots of love. Fast forward until I was 23. 7 years ago. I found out that my mom had been hiding a secret since they had moved away (I stayed in the city I grew up in to attend University, they moved away for work). She is an alcoholic and I had no idea. The secret and the lies came out and my whole world felt like it was tipped upside down and the wind was knocked out of me. I didn't (nor do I) know what to do, what I could do to make the situation go away. I just wanted things to go back to being how they were, before this horrible lie came out and before the memories of my mother turn sour.
Since then my mom has attended rehab twice and as far as I had known, had 'beaten' it if you will. I was wrong.
Fast forward again to 3 weeks ago and my mom has decided to start drinking again. Apparently she was sober from last July to December around the end of my pregnancy and then started drinking around Christmas. She stopped for a bit and started again in March right before we all went to Mexico where she stopped and then has been drinking off and on for the last month where she now has decided to come 'clean'. All as a surprise to me. I am devastated, heart broken, and feel like a part of who I am- a part that makes up my being-is gone and will never come back. I have mixed feelings about Hudson seeing her, even about me seeing her right now. There is so much swirling around right now I don't want me or my family to be caught up in any of it. My priority is to protect my son.
Which brings me to why I'm so scared.
I'm afraid that I will become her, that one day I will disappoint not only myself but my husband and my son. That I will make the choice to throw away everything I have or could ever want. For a moment of not feeling and escape and nothing else.
My greatest fear is that I will become her.
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Oh hun, in order for you to be like her, you have to make a concious decision to drink more than your limit more than you don't. I think that since you are aware that you don't want to turn into her, it's going to be harder for that to happen. Take some time to figure out what you want to do in regards of seeing her. It's not like you have to make a decision by tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. Alcoholism runs in the family. My dad is a recovering alcoholic. We had many ups and downs with him getting sober, then drinking, sober and drinking for many many years.
ReplyDeleteI too was afraid I would turn out like him. I realized as I got older that I don't have that urge or need to drink. I also am more self aware of my drinking because of him.
I know I would be worried if my dad was still using and being around Carter. Take your time making this decision.
Thanks guys. I'm just still trying to sort out my feelings about this.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support.